Monthly Archives: June 2011

Not another fucking A Team

They are soldiers of fortune in LA’s underground. Let’s not forget that B.A. Barakus played Mr. T. at the wheel and these are not the MPs that will succeed in capturing our favorite A Team. Who else is there? Mr. T will not stop for no autographs, Hannibal. How many cars must we lose to the shallows. The colonel loves a risk, a steely dance step. Who are you calling Hanoi Bank Job? Why not? Allow me to introduce you to the team. This ass kicking is for hire. This is how to go renegade, catch the Romans sleeping, beat them up. This how a guy named Hannibal will steal hub caps in the Alps, and might actually kind of enjoy it. Nothing says dead elephant like dead elephant. Everything is approximately two parts history lesson. Who would be on your A Team? How many a fearless leader lost? Don’t even try to get him on an airplane heavily sedated because the pilot is completely insane. This is not about best behavior or even good manners. To fly away a princess in a world full of dragon masks is at least to learn to fly. Hannibal shopping for pasta and red sauce. Better the illusions dispelled, I guess. Who could ask for more from a landing. Why are you wearing headphones right now? Ask yourself. Repeat using blanks as your vocabulary, go ahead and squeeze the trigger of your impossible gun. Lost in the drink: a fine V6 engine, two decks of commemorative cards, a lunch pail full of gold jewelry, something bubbling and like exhaling and/or farting in the pond. Mr. T dreams of B.A. Barakus’s kittens, a dropped bowl of fruit, a brand new vest ruined by too much of the shooting.

-Mark Gurarie


Don’t Call Me Scarface

Allow 15 seconds for Blink 182 to design a Honda while the video loads. I was expecting the tie to be a different shade, white linen suit, Polyester in tan and brown, mocha puke. Gold watch. If you look through his platinum-rimmed sunglasses it remains a cold calculating Miami, but you are keeping a lower profile. The poker face, I assure you, is remarkable, stoic, betraying no thing. “This is not my moped,” Tao Lin is rumored to have responded.

“This is not my moped?” quoth a cold calculator. One who calculates in the employ of those that need such services. The last of a dying breed, there’s no calculation quite as warm. Ever since the Ti-82 lapped Sven Gunderson in 1974, the scene shrunk, the computers moved in downstairs and you know how it goes. A tough year for the human brain’s confidence. But an egocentric lot they were, the calculating brain men and brain women that went underground and won this damn War for us. For that, they will be missed. There will be, as promised, more flutter and more wow within this decade.

-Mark Gurarie

A Brief Anatomy of Tao Lin

The bulbous part of the Tao Lin at the “forehead” is called the melon, and is used in focusing the Tao Lin’s echolocation clicks.
What is often called the “beak” or “nose” of a Tao Lin is the Tao Lin’s rostrum.
Of course, you can see the eyes. The eyes of a Tao Lin are oriented almost exactly opposite of each other, and give the Tao Lin almost full 360 degree vision and a narrow lane of stereoscopic vision. The eyes can move independently of each other, which means a Tao Lin can literally look at two different things at the same time.
The fin on the back of the Tao Lin is called the dorsal fin, which helps stabilize the Tao Lin in the water. The flippers on both sides near the front, underside of the Tao Lin are called the pectoral flippers, which are used in helping Tao Lins steer and stop. The key difference between a fin and a flipper is that a flipper has bones, a fin doesn’t.
And finally, the appendages at the tail of the Tao Lin are called the Tao Lin’s flukes. A Tao Lin’s flukes serve many different purposes, the most important of which is that it helps create hydrodynamic motion, the Tao Lin uses it to swim.
Tao Lins also have a think layer of blubber which acts as insulation so the Tao Lin does not lose too much heat. This mechanism for heat conservation is sometimes too effective however. To prevent the Tao Lin from overheating, the flukes of the Tao Lin act as a radiator by cooling the warm blood that passes through them.

-Mark Gurarie

Shatner! Shatner!

To whom we are silently beaming up the factoids, Bill, the clouds are a very nice turquoise, did you notice? A matter of delivery, old man, who are you calling has been? We are howling ‘Shatner! Shatner!’ and pissing off the roommate who has to work in the morning. When isn’t the Starship Enterprise an allegorical construct? Stardates are a convenient alibi as well as a lucrative contract. Shatner signed away the rights but retained a hell of a subsidiary interest. We are holding B. S. accountable for crimes of enunciation, for infamy, for libel against the hair industry. Never done jack, he re-reads the line, not acting this time. Shatner, hair tussled and playing at bewilderment, such alien charms. Shatner, about whom has been written no less than one million words. Cheeky Shatner, Don’t Hastle the Hoff, or escape from your keepers. William Alan of Montreal, here is your green card. Here are the keys to the car you will call Los Angeles. Shatner, we do whatever common people do, like you.

-Mark Gurarie

Towards Toweling

This is not what I asked for the thread count is seventeen kinds of all wrong I ordered the lobster I ordered framboise. This is not the hottest month of July in the always rank and file escape is not a means to anything important to anyone impartial to the whole situation as it wasn’t exactly. Appropriately cleaning up at least once every two days. Everyone is allowed to lose a nerve ending.

The orca on the towel is winking back at the luke-warm Margaritaville inside all of us. We are this close to toweling me off in a wet-suit. Flippers for coffee shops and khaki shorts. Flippers for socks and for sandals. Flippers this smooth meant for more resplendent bays if only these were flippers.

-Mark Gurarie