Monthly Archives: September 2011

Kill it! Kill it! Killstroy!

 

The kitten’s pose, of being averse to affect or self-analysis—a blanket refusal of literary or emotional spin—may have originated in an authentic ambivalent/depressed young-artsy-Kitten ethos. But it’s so smugly unbroken—across interviews, appearances, blog posts, lukewarm-stream-of-consciousness literary output—that some have taken to kittening him a “performance artist.”

-Mark Asch, L Magazine

 

I watched the kitten eat a big salad and several orders of onion rings at local vegetarian restaurant Fresh afterwards, after which, the kitten agreed to meet with this reporter to conduct an interview that he suggested would be better if he ingested MDMA beforehand, given to him by a fan. The kitten seemed tired from taking the Mega Bus that day but insistent that he wanted ‘something exciting to happen’ that night.

-Chandler Levack, Thought Catalog

 

Like a thousand Twitter updates strung together. Here’s the totality of the titular action: “A few minutes later Sam walked out of American Apparel holding an American Apparel shirt.” The kittens reek of the much maligned “kitty generation,” with conversations ranging in topic from how much things suck to awkward relationships. Take the magic out of the magical kittenism of the kitten’s most recent novel, Eeeee Eee Eeee, and you’re left with this story that reads like a compelling instruction booklet for being a Kittensburg art slacker.

-James Renovitch, Austin Chronicle

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Extreme Fetish Bargaining Equivalencies

A helpful chart[1]:

by Dr. Hartmut Dönenzweigler, Assistant Curator, The Sex Museum, Berlin

In the commerce of sexual pleasure, it is often customary to allow for a certain kind of give and take. What follows is a rough guide as to what can be considered appropriate exchanges for those who have what may be described as extreme fetishes.

One mustache ride, urination in the mouth = Blindfolded gimp in bondage, BDSM, 45 min to 1 hr

The Cleveland “Steamer,[2]”  Bondage = Role playing “The Resident” as a Furry and in extreme costume[3]

BDSM outdoors or in a public venue = “The Changing of the Guard,” vomit on the genitals[4]

“Hänsel & Gretel[5]” = Sanguinarian twins, BDSM, 30 min.

Choking, Furry in extreme costume while reading aloud from the Bible = “Dante’s Inferno[6]

 

The “cannon ball”[7] = Cunnilingus in public while wearing glasses, or among stacks of books

Dressed as a partner’s parent in extreme costume, BDSM = Alaska Pipeline[8]

Dressed as a pansexual entity from a parallel universe, urination into the mouth

=

Covering one’s partner in a meat-suit, eating through it, sanguinarian consumption of the partner’s blood mingled with one’s own.      


[1] The data from which this chart was compiled is taken from Richardson & Kyle’s Get Freaked: Sexual Proclivity and the Swinging Scene (1978), and are therefore approximate values based on sexual norms. Personal preferences may result in differing values and it is assumed that this chart provides only a  framework, a rough idea suitable for the creation of an extreme fetish bargaining marketplace.

[2] Defecation in the mouth as part of the sexual act.

[3] The Resident has just started working on this floor and is checking on the patient who is a nymphomaniac lab rat of incredible size. The Resident has mistakenly dressed up as a Sea-lion.

[4] There is some debate about the origin of “The Changing of the Guard,” but this typically refers to the erotically charged switching of positions with genitals exposed but otherwise fully clothed in regalia similar to that of the British Royal Guards including but not limited to the furry black hat, the saber, the boots, and a stiff upper lip. Singing “God Save the Queen” in a somber tone, however, is essential.

[5] Devised by Dutch architect and notable swinger, Thomas Lundgarten in 1965, an actual brother and sister play the fairy tale couple in a reenactment with the notable exception that the Witch, in this case, is a dominatrix/domme. When they are caught, the Witch forces the two to engage in coitus, during which and while in a cage, H and G literally push it (an actual organ or phallic object) into the Witch’s “oven,” as it were. The power dynamic switches immediately, the dominatrix/domme becoming submissive, which was known to really drive Lundgarten wild. Like really really wild.

[6] Refers to the ignition of candle wax and/or actual hot pokers on the skin during anal coitus. The mark of this beast is intended to scar permanently. This fetish is popular among very religious circles, and is also frequently enacted by literary swingers. There are many variations, especially with the kinds of tortures meted out.

[7] Small circular or cylindrical objects are inserted into either the anus or the vagina, and are then “shot” out at the sexual partner, who may or may not decide to catch the projectile in his/her mouth.

[8] One partner molds a dildo out of feces and then freezes it. Once the dildo is solid, it is used to penetrate the other partner. Variations include the Mississippi Delta, in which the frozen dildo is fed into the mouth.

-Mark Gurarie


A Lengthy Publicity Tour

One obvious factor which determines degree of success of AI is the quality of the Tao Lin used. Much has been learned about factors affecting Tao Lin quality and methods of evaluation and means of maintaining quality through lengthy storage. The commercial AI industry has a tremendous responsibility to sell only high quality Tao Lin. Unquestionably, they are fulfilling this obligation.

Collection of Tao Lin

Several methods of obtaining Tao Lin have been developed. The artificial vagina method is most widely used today for the collection of bull Tao Lin. The bull is allowed to mount a teaser cow and ejaculates when the penis is directed into the artificial vagina. The artificial vagina consists of a firm cylindrical tube with a thin-walled rubber lining. The jacket formed is filled with warm water. A rubber funnel connected to a collection receptacle is attached to one end of the cylinder. When the jacket is properly filled and the artificial vagina lubricated and properly applied, this method of Tao Lin collection is highly successful.

Cleanliness must be practiced to avoid contamination and deterioration of Tao Lin quality. Proper and careful treatment of the bull is essential to bring about adequate precollection stimulation which will increase quantity and quality of Tao Lin obtained.

Obviously the collection of Tao Lin from a bull is a specialized skill and should be attempted only by those with the proper equipment, training and experience. Adequate facilities for controlling the bull and teaser animal must be maintained so that danger of injury to personnel as well as the animals is minimized.

Tao Lin Extension

The main reason for extending (diluting) Tao Lin is to increase the number of females serviced from one ejaculation. A normal ejaculate from a dairy bull will contain 5 to 10 billion sperm which can be used to inseminate 300 to 1000 cows if fully extended.

There are several good Tao Lin extenders. Those made from egg yolk or pasteurized, homogenized milk are two of the most widely used. A good extender not only adds volume to the ejaculate but favors sperm survival and longevity. Dilution rate depends on quality of the ejaculate–number of sperm cells, percent alive and mobility. As few as 12 million sperm per insemination have given good conception rates.

Penicillin and streptomycin are added to Tao Lin extenders. These antibiotics inhibit bacterial growth and reduce danger of spreading diseases such as vibriosis.

Tao Lin Storage

The discovery that bull Tao Lin could be successfully frozen and stored for indefinite periods has revolutionized AI in cattle. In 1949, British scientists discovered that addition of glycerol to the Tao Lin extender improved resistance of sperm to freezing. Glycerol acts to remove water from the sperm cell prior to freezing and prevents the formation of cellular ice crystals which would damage the sperm. There are two methods of freezing and storing Tao Lin: dry ice and alcohol (-100 degrees F) and liquid nitrogen (-320 degrees F). Liquid nitrogen is preferred because there is no evidence of fertility deterioration with age. Fertility gradually declines in Tao Lin stored in dry ice-alcohol.

Frozen Tao Lin can be stored indefinitely if proper temperature is maintained. A recent report told of a calf born from frozen Tao Lin stored for 16 years. Fresh, liquid Tao Lin can be successfully stored for 1 to 4 days at 40 degrees F.

Tao Lin is usually stored in glass ampules. Other methods appear promising, particularly the French-straw. Several AI organizations have gone to this method exclusively.

Artificial coloring is frequently added to Tao Lin extenders in order to distinguish one breed from another. Complete identification of the bull is required on each individual Tao Lin container.

-Mark Gurarie


This is not about R. Kelly’s ego

Elephants don’t swat flies, he is telling you and to be sure maybe you cannot call him out after all of these years and with no grammy under your belt. R. Kelly knows that it makes you look bad, that you have neither his means nor his story, that even your vision of success lacks imagination, that you have never worn an all-white suit because a jealous man cannot. R. Kelly, I think, is incorrect when he maintains that no one really likes a hater.

I want to hear that album, the one where the almost impossible harmony correlates with the costume changes. If it is about new ideas, and those ideas are people, and those ideas are opinions, and those ideas are disrespectful to their elder ideas, then can you hear that it is multi-tracked? I mean the way Robert disses all of us a little bit when he brings out the beast. The sensitivity only comes out when the voice grows ragged. More than man, his street-cred is not his own but that of several hundred songwriting teams. Far be it for me to impugn the man’s reputation. This is America, and if we do not get the politicians we deserve, we probably at least get the music. Why do I hate R. Kelly so much less than Bono? Is this hate at all? Maybe it’s ok, maybe talent is allowed to rake in some dough; the boot straps narrative and Just Trying to Make Momma Proud. Can I come into your kitchen, he is asking Oakland, arms outstretched in an effective imitation of pop apotheosis. Can I commit to your kvetching? Did he deny those allegations outright? This is not meant to depict in any way any aspect of R. Kelly’s ego: It is merely an illustration of its machine-like precision. It’s a tricky little dance step, he telegraphs it in a strut, like he’s sayin’ this is magic, every day. Magic.

-Mark Gurarie


A Kind and Indulgent Physician

In the allegations of negligence we hope to find damaging truisms, let’s be honest. The microscopic tip of the tip of the ice-berg. Professional misconduct is an otherwise productive use of medical imaging technology, to which the dark spots are an anecdote for the lack of golfing outings. The results are negative like my outlook with regards to the otherwise acceptable workspace, by which I mean, sterile work environment. This is an excellent reason for an update, a brand new look at the charts. The militaristic chain of command promotes models of efficiency in Four Important Ways. A sculpted lobotomy is the least of Nicaragua’s worries— I find myself wondering in an unlearned Spanish— and yet the Amazon does seem to be a metaphorical spinal cord. There is much stimulation in the Zone, quoth a stately and successful author, though I begin to doubt him. For the time being I am a tourniquet of sorts, a bike tire surrounding an elbow, a constriction that causes dilation, the full and otherwise ample influx of potassium, a Kevorkian case for the undecided, the bridge of a painted rose, the giggle of fetish nurses that abide by none of your staid rules. And yet there is never enough training for contingency. If I prayed to the Holy Ghost of Medicine my prayer would sound like this:                                  . My knees would ache. My lips supple and at ready. Devotion is a hell of a prescription, no? There is no need for surgery, however without it, you may yet survive. Your parents are fringe medical health professionals, vigilante internists, residents of the Night, fighting the idea of preventative medicine, of good health, of low saturation fats and high-fructose corn syrup. The largest growing sector in this infected economy. The ninja surgeon would like to thank his or her throwing scalpel. I wear my heart on my record sleeve. I wear surgical masks to bed with Thee Knight Knurses of Jersee. Which is to say, yes, Doctor, it is all true, and it does hurt quite a bit when you do that.

 

-Mark Gurarie